The original reason I created a tumblr was because I knew my ex would look for it as soon as he knew I had one, and it gave me the chance to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. And something that really bothers me about tumblr is that I still get that feeling sometimes that I’m writing for him, because I know he still reads it, from time to time, because I know that he does still love me deep down and that he doesn’t regret how things happened bc they needed to go that way, but he wishes he would have treated me better and would have realized what he had when he had it. I know he still has this little fire of hope burning at the bottom of his heart that we will end up like his parents and get back together down the road.
So I’ve been thinking about deleting my tumblr, or creating a brand new one that he’ll never find. Because I don’t want to know he’s looking at it. I don’t want him to have that hope anymore. I’ll be honest, for a long time all I wanted was for him to come crawling back to me and actually, sincerely apologize for everything he did to me, and not JUST apologize, but fix himself too. Quit manipulating and quit… using people. That poor Jessica. She knows it too, there’s no way she doesn’t. He clings to one person, finds one person that he can lead on, makes them feel needed, uses them to get through what he’s going through and when it’s time to move to the next stage, he throws them away. That poor girl.
But anyway, lately, I don’t care anymore. I’m so happy with my life right now and being able to be who I actually am and not some stuck-up, wannabe hipster who thinks the majority is evil and the whole world is wrong. Newsflash 16 year old self, the majority is the majority for a REASON. Yes, you are different, so is the rest of the world and it doesn’t make anybody and better than anybody else.
Teenage love, at least for me, wasn’t love at all. It was an obsession, it was a NEED to feel like I belong somewhere. I realized this morning that one of the most beautiful things about love is you know when it’s mutual, there’s no doubt about it. And this path that you have all followed me on from my first tumblr post to this one has been a long and very difficult one. I was like a drug addict going through withdrawl, but instead of drugs was I addicted to this manipulative, antisocial psycho freak who made me feel important and turned me away from God because somewhere along the line before that my hatred for myself had gotten out of control and he was the only person that didn’t make me hate myself. I explained to my younger brother that girls love assholes, because they’ll tear you down and make you feel so low, but then there’s all that room to bring you back up and you forget how you got down there in the first place.
So, to all of my followers, thank you. I know not many of you listened, but some of you read my posts from here to there, and it means a lot to me. If you want my new tumblr account, DM me on twitter.
www.twitter.com/lateralliegator
And to you Josh Law, whenever you read this, thank you for worst year and a half of my life that has lead me to where I am now, to be the person I am today. Please do not ever contact me in the future, because even if you cross my mind, I really really don’t care how you’re doing. I hope to God you don’t break that poor girls heart, even though I know you will. And I just hope, for the sake of the people around you, that someday you quit lying to yourself. I hope you actually amount to something, and no I’m not referring to your career.
